I am going to start dictating my thought processes a bit more coherently. A random rant will probably be interspersed here and there, but it seems important that I start recognizing the reality of the situation, and at least attempt to psychoanalyze myself. This feels like a rational thought, but I did take a sleeping pill, have a nervous breakdown, and grab a fridge (in that order), so I may decide to go back on this whole school of thought relatively quickly. However, I think it's worth a shot. Here we go.

It was approaching about 5AM where I live. I checked my email for a response from a friend of mine, thought about playing some games, but decided I didn't want to get involved with something that might keep me up past 6, and got a little nervous that I wouldn't be able to get to sleep before another painstaking day of work. However, I was compelled to at least accomplish some kind of task, or find some level of satisfaction, doing something that would make me feel like the entirety of my existence was not simply working 10 hours a day at a job I loathed, and sleeping. I failed to do so, and like I do many nights, convinced my self that "this time" I'll wake up early enough in the morning so that I can get a healthy start to the day by making breakfast, and getting some chores done. So, I laid in bed turned off the TV, and attempted to clear my head. Instead, I attempted to prescript every conversation I would have with every one of the employees I interact with during the day; conversations that would either excuse the large handfuls of mistakes I made through no fault of my own, or change the face of the company in the way I had always dreamed they would. Depending on how many times I consider the details of those conversations, I usually also go through my "I quit and you can all go fuck yourselves" speech. Sometimes that one gets me to sleep happy.

Often times it doesn't, though. Usually, the self destruction sets in at exactly this moment; the moment I accept defeat and realize that none of these conversations are going to happen. I realize that no matter how my times I try and convince myself that tomorrow is going to be different, it's all going to be the same. Then I start spouting off thoughts to myself about how I am a pussy, and I just let myself get fucked all day long by fat high school nerds with inferiority complexes and a lust for power because they sucked enough corporate dick to get to the top. Then I think about how they have somehow managed to become more successful then me. I compare myself to them, and can't find an inch of tangible evidence that actually makes me feel like I have more potential; or any potential at all for that matter.

The beer and sleeping meds are kicking in. I am going to take this opportunity to sleep, but will definitely add more later.

Do it. Do it again like you do every time. Rationalize your way out of another situation. A so called opportunity. what opportunity? You don't get opportunities, you waste them. It doesn't matter though. She's not crazy enough, not psychopathic enough to want you. The only woman in her right mind to lust after you has to have something wrong with her. Some emotional dependency, some need, some problem that she can just fill you with. Make it easy and throw you away once your done. It can't work out the way you want. It wont if you keep this shit up. Look at yourself. Not for too long though. You wouldn't want to make yourself sick. Disgust yourself in your own persona more then you can stand. You've punished yourself long enough just try to stand it. It doesn't matter though. Smoke it all away. All the stress, the guild, the pain, the self loathing. Fucking pathetic. Are you reading your own words right now? You look just like what you hate. Self embellished in your own fucking loathing. It's pathetic and you know it. And you indulge none the less. How can you stand it.

Following the same routine. It's not necessary to put yourself out there. Why be so vulnerable. Don't let anyone else see it, or they will see into you. Into the real you. The one you don't want them to see. The Me. That's right. The Me. Hide behind the faces. The masks. Be what they want you to be. Sound how they want you to sound. They won't fucking know the real difference anyway. I allow you to see them the way they don't want to be seen. I am your window into their worlds. Cause you know. They don't know you know, but you do. You can see it, and while they won't admit it, that's them. Just as sad and disgusting as you are. Is that the real problem? You can stand the idea that the rest of them are just as twisted as you. Just as torn asunder? No. That's not it. They're not. That's the problem. Is it now? It is. It can't be. Why would it? How would jealousy enter into the equation? You know you love the jealousy. I do have the window and I can see through you at least that far. True. But explain her. It's just as bad habit. That's what you are. That's what this is. I am trying to make her out to be just as they all are. I love her, but she is just as they all were. Just as all who pained be before. I am watching her do it. I am on the other side confirming all my worst fears. The embodiment of something I hated so much, but envy so much. She strikes at so much of me. I don't love, I covet. I want to strangle the life out of. You just make it hard to figure out when the rationalizations end and the justifications begin. It's not right. It's not. It is just not. I know what I need to do, I know now. If I had a nickle. You'd have a fuck ton of change, I know. It makes it none the less true. Can't I at least have that. Can't I at least have my lesson? Make your lesson what you will. It would mean nothing different to try. To make an effort. So you don't cross the line of indulgence. That's fine, but couldn't you at least be honest. Couldn't you at least tell her the truth and let her be the judge? Do you not trust her? I don't trust anyone. So now our paths cross. No longer am I sounding so insensible. Now I am reason. This is how you know. Do you really believe the time was right? You tell me? I don't think so. I can't tell anymore, my influences are too strong. I have lost touch with my intuition. Then find it. Go back to where you were when you lost it. You need to remember that this place you want to go. This person you want to be. This is an old you, not a new you. You have been this person before. You have found the will, and have located all the tools you need. You ran looking for something you already had, and tried looking for it here. Go back. Take hold and stop making excuses. She is not interested because you are talking the talk. Start setting the example. Start now. You have gained too much ground to let this get to you. Yes. You were right. Get back your voice and start shouting...

Trying to figure out where I am in my manstration cycle. I thought I had a fix on it by studying these moon phases, but I am lost again. I was set off. I often am, as I am quite the reactionary. My buttons are all over my sleeve, and when in reach, people tend to push them. For shits. It's cool. Some of them are quite fun to press. I often press them myself just for the fuck of things. See what happens. Nothing better then entertaining yourself, but as all games can get, they get old. If it weren't for work, I probably wouldnt so much wory about it. Things would be fresh and new. Creative and cultivated. Rinsed washed and prepared fresh. No jive though. This is the business world. The corporate jango. A dance everyone has seen before, and is quite sick and tired of. Stomping on the little guy and circle jerking around trying to figure out who should take the blame. Quite sickening. Maddening in fact. Bloated and disporportionate to to the way of things. The undisputable rule that goes crossed day in and day out. This wasn't supposed to happen here, but it does. Its the true blackness of human nature that follows blindly behind cultural habits. Man, it's really time for this shit to change. To many assholes. Just way to many.

Its the work kinda shit that really makes it hard not to sell off all my worldly posessions and just enter the world. The Real. Take a trip outside this box and really give it a go. A college try. Entertain the thought that these boundaries are only in my imagination. The really hippy kind of shit, but to the point where you separate the judgemental sterotype of it being 'hippy' and take the first fucking step. Exit stage left and enter stage right. A brand new horizon, but twisted and wrapped around inhabition.

Don't do drugs, they fuck up the process. There is no reason to pervert the already perverted. It's all real in its pure form. Just get it out. Stop letting it get to you. You don't need the substance to have the outlet. The drugs only make it more crazy. It's fine just to be crazy on your own. We are all just as fucking crazy as you.

Love,
- Your Favorite Color Orange

I decided to take some advice. I have a more public blog where my identity is known, but it definitely seems nice having someplace to just, oh I don't know, get away from it all. Oh this internet is strange business.

This is a fresh start. Who knows what will come of this. This is theoretically the place where I get to be myself, but who knows what will actually make its way to the pages. Probably a shit tone of spelling and grammatical errors weaved into esoteric rants or self serving expressions. Could be interesting. Stick around and see what happens. I may even put up a short story or two.